a nourished soul
Thursday, November 30, 2006
10:58PM - i love you ozzy
Eu te amo,
And baby when I think of you my heart is open
And I do believe that things will never change
Even though our words of love remain unspoken
I look in your eyes and know you feel the same
why is it that i somehow in one way or another lose people i love
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Saturday I cried,
I was nervous and paced the floor. I was anxious to see her. As much as i hated what she did i still wanted to believe she fixed herself. So I waited, I faked a smile. I held in my tears. She told me shed be there between 10 and 12. So those 2 hours went by slow. I was out of it and people noticed but i played it off. I wanted to see her and hug her and hear her say she loved me, but she didnt. NOPE. She did what i should have expected. She didnt show, didnt call and didnt care. I dont know why i let myself believe she changed or that she actually wanted to try and be my mom. I learned something else on saturday though. She may make me cry, hurt and hate but there are people that cancel it all out and make me really smile, laugh and love.
THank You! ALL of you. For making me smile and laugh and forget for a while. I dont know if youll ever get how much it means.
Saturday, June 12, 2004
A little girl is having a great day at school. She has gym and music in the same day so she's happy. She gets to help the principal deliver notices to classrooms and it just so happens her older sister is in one of those classes. Her sister waves and the little girl smiles. After lunch she is in her reading group and over the loudspeaker the office is calling her for dismissal. So she is getting nervous because she doesnt remember her mom saying anything about it. She is reassured when she sees her mom waiting there. Then she sees that her older sister is being dismissed. Getting into the car the two girls look at each other with concerning glances. Their mom wasn't acting normal. The girls just shrug it off and begin to tickle each other and talk about school. After about 15 minutes of driving they arive at a strange house and are told to get out and leave their stuff in the car. The two girls are now becoming a little scared. They enter the house and they see their cousin Barbie, they then feel a little releived. Barbies mother comes from the kitchen and tells the three little ones to get in the back room. SO the three girls go in there and the two girls call for their mom. She comes to the door and yells not to leave the room... to sit and behave. The only things in the room were a dirty mattress on the floor, a ripped baby blacnket, and two broken dolls.There was no light except for the fading daylight through the window. The girls just curled in to a ball on the mattress and tried to fall asleep. Hours past and the little ones haven't seen the adults. They were starting to get hungry. So the two sisters decide they will go ask for some dinner. They walk down the hall and it becomes filled with more and more smoke as they walk close. They enter the room they assume is the kitchen and see the adults at the table with all sorts of wierd objects. They notice the adults look sleepy and are not normal. They go over to their mother and ask for some food because they are hungry. Their mom gets up and smacks them in the face and tell them she said not to leave the room. The girls whimper and keep trying to tell her they are hungry. She eventually goes to the cabinet and gets a can of spagetti-os. She whips the can down the hallway. The adults just start laughing and the girls mother tell them to go back to the room and eat those if they are so hungry. So the two sisters walk back to the room hand clenched in hand. They tell the cousin they couldnt have anything. The three girls then clench hands and lay on the mattress together. They let out little crys and sobs, but they don't want to be too loud in fear of disturbing the adults. The girls then go to sleep cold and hungry in a strange place.
How I hated waking up but loved where i was going,
Putting on my work clothes and my little name tag.
Getting to work and seeing the regular faces, or the new enlightened ones.
Water or towel fights on a slow day, sometimes in between the spats of customers.
Later in the night the gang goes to dinner, then to his house for a game of pool.
We say our goodnights and he drives me home, a smooth car ride with my superman.
Only had I known it was the last time, The last late night hang out after work.
If only the myth had been true, that kryptonite was the only thing to kill superman.
I didnt quite understand it then, and I still wonder now.
As i run my tear soaked fingers along the newsprints, I shake.
Looking at the obituary picture I understand one thing.
The one thing he always said about not knowing the real feeling of love, until you felt the pain
my heart is filled with so many things
i just wish i sould tear it out
Maybe the pain would end
I feel so hurt i could drown in my tears
It makes me so angry i could combust.
As much as i need to know its not me
I feel its my fault
She has succumed to an addiction
because i wasnt good enough
i wasnt strong enough to keep her away
nineteen years of constant pain and caring so much
i need to accept that she doesnt care
and maybe i was a mistake
but i thought i made her proud
When I see that you’re sad I cant help but cry,
How could she hurt you like that,
When I see you happy I sit and smile,
You deserve someone that makes you happy,
When I hear you say you love her it breaks em inside,
I want to be the girl that makes your heart race,
The girl that make you sad,
The girl that makes your bad day good,
Im jealous of that girl
Not for who she is but for the place she has in your heart.
every night i love to dream
cause i dont have to be me
i can be whatever i want
but there are nights i hate
dreams i cant control
i tend to lose you
but i wake and realize it doesnt matter
cause i never had you
my eyes begin to tear
im only good enough in a dream world
i begin to wonder
am in someone elses dreams
then again they are dreams
most dreams dont come true
so it doesnt matter anyways
Everywhere I look there are prisoners of love
With their emotional fights and heartfelt make-ups
They have their sweet kisses and love filled glances
Some with pet names others with body gestures
I am free to the world A prisoner of nothing
With random Hellos and simple Goodbyes
And my minds constant wondering
With hurtfull thoughts and salty tears
I am not free to the world I'm a prisoner
But not the kind I wish to be
I'm a prisoner of lonelyness
Wishing for a change and someone to love
Tears fall from my eyes,
piece after piece i pull,
not much left to be torn,
my heart knows the truth,
no silly tale can tell,
it says he loves me not,
whats left to use as hope,
not much of anything but,
my tears on a bed of pain filled petals
Im runnin far away from this dark sad place,
to sit under the stars and dream,
im gonna dream of that beautiful smile,
and try to think of all the happy moments in life,
and hope to create a smile of my own,
it may not be as breathtaking as yours,
but no one will notice and it will be mine...
Scuffing up the hardwood floor as you drag your feet slowly walking down the hall
Letting the wall dust collect on your fingers while you scrape them as you go
The narrow space of blank walls becomes a room of windows
You can see all thats around you and everything around can see you
Sinking into the chair thinking of whats out there
Wishing you had the courage or the strength to leave
But you seem to be like a simple animal stuck in its cage
While everything around peers in with judging eyes
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
12:05PM - for a friend i care deeply for
When the world seems to cold and lonely and you need someone to love you without condition or remorse, ill be here for you.. forever remember when you hurt i will cry with you, when your heart breaks i will be here to help and try to put the pieces together again. when time seems to stand still and you've begun to feel the knot on lifes rope is slipping loose i am here.. I will always trust and believe in you and be here for you. You are an amazing person and I am here to help in whatever it is you need. Dont be afraid to ask or tell me anything.. thats what best friends/"sisters" are for.. You can and will do what you need to i have faith in you.... i love ya hun... and I know you know it....
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Sometimes I sit and wonder what if??? What if my mother wasnt a drug addict?? And I didnt
have to help support my family...
Maybe I would be living at college comming home to visit friends on the weekends. I would be
picking them up and driving them to shows or to get ice-cream, I wouldn't be so afraid of people.
I would be commuting to a college living in my own apartment because of all the money I would have
saved. I would have a nice job and driving a nice car. I would go to dinner with my family atleast
once a week so that my parents can tell me how work is goin and how the kids are doin in school.
I wouldnt be urged to comfort myself with food and I would be thinner than I am now. I could be
goin to my town house after work to be greeted by my amazing boyfriend. He would open the door
and as his hair brushes away from his face and his eyes stare back at you he asks how your day
was. I would have class on some nights and make sure I have time to hang with my family.
Maybe if my mom wasnt a drug addict then I wouldn't try to ease my hurt and pain with trying to
help others so much. Maybe I wouldnt always be there and help. Maybe I would be a cold-hearted
bitch and not even have the friends I have now. Maybe I wouldnt be so giving and helpful...
But my mom is a drug addict and I am helping my family. I ease my hurt inside by trying my
harddest to make everyone around me happy. I feel better when people arounf me are happy. I am
afraid of people, and driving. I'm not in college cause I cant afford it and have no transportation
and have to help take care of the kids. I dont get to go to too many shows cause of my fear of people. I dont do anything substantial with my time except write in my journal and
hang out with the few friends i have left...when they are even around..
Im so tired of cleaning the mess up afer my mom. I finally told her to straighten up or dont talk
to me. I feel so crappy about myself alot lately but im trying to stop. I think once I feel healthy I can feel happier. I am lonely.. I want
someone to love, someone that will love me back. Someone I can call and say goodnight. Someone to look forward to see and get hugs and kisses and
butterflies in your stomach from. Its ok though, I know I dont have that and im dealing with it. I
have great friends I can call and look forward to see but its just not the same.. dont get me wrong
I wouldnt trade my friends in for anything.
I love my friends like my extended family cause I dont have one. They make me feel good about myself.
Im glad I have them in my life. The do so much for me and i appreciate it all. Especially on my birthday
this year. I had the most memorable birthday in my life. One of my best friends got my fav local band
to come play at my party. Then all of my friends pitched in to have the band sing a special "happy birthday" and strip...
It makes me laugh and smile everytime I think of it. No one has ever done that much for me before.
Im in Love with a boy, he is quite a beauiful person. The problem is that he exists in my head.
He is sweet and funny and has some inecurities. He has brown hair that falls in his face and
has amazing eyes. He mostly wears courduroys and band t-shirts. He smiles and it makes you melt. He can
write and has a romantic aspect to him, as well as a sense of humor. To bad he didnt really exist, and to bad I wasnt
as much of a beautiful person as him.
I wanna learn to play an instrument of some sort.. I want to be able to write poetry better than I do now. I want to learn how to skateboard better.
I wanna be in love. but im sure there are alot of people that want stuff like that so...